Rumblings & Ramblings

It's one giant cosmic joke.

I’ve been sorrily MIA and not writing as frequently as I’d like to. For good reason (and maybe a touch of laziness). I’ve had a few personal and interpersonal issues and health problems pop up rather unexpectedly in the past three months and have been dealing with what I can only call a series of misfortunes. I can only laugh. Really.

My friend Jay, who is similarly going through a rough year, jokingly said he was going to make a t-shirt saying “I survived Crap Storm 2010″.  I think I might actually consider getting a shirt made.

Through these various adversities, I have learned a lot about myself (and others!) and can actually appreciate the turbulence. The stagnancy that has been previously pervasive in my day to day was a lot worse. I rather feel and live honestly and happily — and am working towards living like that all the time after many years of not doing so.

Now possibly the kicker, and somewhat hilarious in my twisted mind is the following incident that happened two weeks ago:

I was trying to cut open a mangosteen open that my mother had given me with a knife. Now, I knew it probably wouldn’t taste good, because the skin was hard and not peeleable with fingernails. It had obviously travelled thousands of miles from Vietnam. But I persisted because I hardly ever eat them (maybe once a year?), figured it was worth a try, and was quite fond of them when I lived in Vietnam and they were available fresh. They are possibly my favourite fruit. Apparently they are also the new ’superfood’, according to trend hunters (whaevs I say!).

Now keep in mind I ran a series of cooking workshops with middle school aged children the past couple of winters before I tell you the following. I teach them knife safety skills, of which they always protest me going over, claiming they already know them. I should know better. But I have always been on the clumsy side of things my whole life. I am sure those that have known me for a long time can attest to that, and have witnessed me tripping over my own feet for no explicable reason a number of times. This is a story of idiocy and lack of coordination.

(Also, if you get easily squeamish you might want to avoid reading the following.)

So I am fighting to cut open the fruit for a minute, when the steak knife slips as I am trying to break open the thick purple skin of the mangosteen, and goes right into the inner base of my left middle finger: a small puncture wound but it went in quite deeply. A Tarentino style amount of blood spurts out, along with the rhythm of the beating of my heart, I am not kidding you.

I freak out, as the blood splatters and drips on my pants, the futon, the coffee table, all over the floor. I grab four or give nearby tissue papers, but I go through them and they are soaked in 5 seconds. I grab my phone and call Steven and Leslie in hysterics. Steven rushes over, I am in the living room with what looks like a CSI crime scene, and takes me to the emergency ward at Toronto Western. I get one stitch but my finger goes numb and I cannot feel a thing.

This condition worsens for a few days. I can tell you it is a disconcerting to feel like you have a “stranger’s” finger wedged in between your index and ring finger, as is closing the door twice on your finger by accident because you can’t feel. Linda from the Soup made me an aluminum foil crown to make me feel better. I get some partial feeling back.

A week later I see a plastic surgeon and hand specialist who deducts based on a series of administering a pin pricking discrepancy test that I have very likely severed a digital nerve and that it won’t heal without microscopic surgery. I placed 12 on the discrepancy test, when anything above 8 is suspect.

So tomorrow I am going to have surgery even though the cut has healed pretty well. They are going to reconnect my nerves with stitches smaller than a width of a hair! And if all goes well, the nerves will grow back in 1.5 to 2 years.

I am stoked because a) Having lost sensation of that one finger has made a difference in the way I move and I am developing pain from my hand to my shoulder. I want it to heal; and b) I get to live out my dream of sporting my very own cast. I had always envied those kids at school that had casts with drawings and signatures all over them. I distinctly remember seeing my uncle Hung  in France stick a bent coat hanger in his cast to scratch his itchy broken leg and being jealous because it was such a huge cast — more space for drawings! I was a strange child. (Side story: I was also jealous of people that had to use crutches to get around too. I pronounced crutches “crotches” back in middle school, as I continue to mispronounce some English words as it is not my native language. More on that at a later time.)

Lessons learned and realizations from the past three months:
-I found out what people, friends, family and acquaintances are made of and how solid they can be — and that’s it’s ok to let others support you in times of need. I am generally closed off from people, even those I purport to be close to. I am trying to get over ‘my wall building’. I realize now that I’ve also closed myself off from myself and that has done me much harm too.

-The health care system is awesome when dealing with emergency/physical injuries regarding nerve damage.

-The health care system is terribly difficult to navigate if you’re looking for a family doctor or dealing with mental illness.

-“It’s complicated” is what I said to describe the state of my relationship with my long-term partner to friends last night. Facebook you are so astute.  My friend Dave commented that there’s movie with that exact title starring Alec Baldwin and Meryl Streep. You probably saw the ads for it in the subway, of them in bed together, Meryl looking regretful recently.

In summary (if you’ve managed to read this rather long entry about my trivial life) there has been a lot of changes, challenges and a few setbacks - but I am just going to look forward. I’ve had some successes too. If anything, these trials and tribulations reminds me how lucky and privileged I am. How lucky I am to have so many wonderful people in my life for support. Destiny’s Child’s song Survivor is playing in my head. As is my desire to kick 2010 in the ass and still make it an awesome year!

Now I am off to go on my last bike ride for awhile and enjoy the rest of the afternoon…