Dec 13

So today I feel fat.  Well, more accurately now, at 7:03pm.  Btw, I’m not using hyphens because it’s difficult to access the hyphen with an iPad screen keyboard, so no one fuck with me about me using a comma instead of a hyphen.

For some reason I have gotten into watching scary stuff on YouTube.  It began with mr.nightmares channel, oh by the way I’m not using apostrophes and brackets either because of their difficulty of use, and then it went onto llama arts channels scary stuff, and now I’m watching lutch greens stuff.  Lutches stuff is far more gruesome and gory than the previous channels, well lutch talks about real life murders etc.  I guess I watch this stuff because off the small amount of excitement and thrill you get for being scared or disgusted.

Happily, I only drank one half pint of that godawful beer in the territory I’m working in, before leaving for home.   Another happy note, it’s made me feel kind of bloated and uncomfortable, I guess that’s the feeling from having done half an hour of kundalini yoga this morning, it’s getting me more in tune with my body.  

Still have to go to the gym tonight.  Still should lose weight.  Every day counts!

Dec 12

So today was OK.  I should have not gone to the bar after my ‘shift’, but I was having bad thoughts about the potential people on the subway.  More like bad memories.  Whatever, I still shouldn’t have had the couple drinks I had (I think they were half pint) because I’m trying to watch my spending.  I still feel inebriated and I’m at home now and it’s two hours later.  Gave my number to some guy today who was a lead.  I’m looking forward to getting some kind of sign for my business to market it.  My YouTube upload speed is too slow with my downgraded internet connection, so I may upgrade my internet connection to a higher speed, but it’s against my intent.  Felt amazing this morning from only 30 mins of chakra BIJA mantra, some kundalini kr iyass and pranayama.

Dec 11

K… I’m still trying to get used to this new style of WordPress.  Like the blocks and everything…oh well.

So today I did my marketing and as usual most people said no to me, and thats how direct sales is, so I don’t really care.  It crossed my mind today to get some sort of sign to hang around my neck to advertise I’m selling energy healing.  I really don’t want Energy Healing to become regulated cuz then we’ll probably have a group of cunty middle aged women who hate men ruling it and making it difficult for aspiring male energy healers.  I have this viewpoint because it was what I went through in massage therapy college.  Being a gay man, I thought I’d get along with two lesbian teachers – but they were quite unkind to me on some occasions.  Like we had one outreach at an oncology floor in a hospital, which I failed because I didn’t show enough empathy.  The teacher for that was this fat lesbian with short hair.  Like really, palliative care massage is not my thing because I don’t see the point of keeping someone alive just for the sake of avoiding death.  Like, if they are having a shitty life, in a hospital bed dying of some disease…I dunno.  The teacher expected us to really care about these patients and find it awful that they’re dying, but I didn’t care.  I wasn’t going to pretend I cared…well I did.  I pretended to fake that my client had died from looking at her report…like misinterpreting the report to think that she died, and then pretending to care about it.  The outreach made no sense to me and I just believed that it was their fault for getting cancer anyway.  Just look at Energy Healing and the chakras…maybe they most likely weren’t keeping their chakras healthy and that’s why they got cancer!  Good job for being such an unbelieving skeptic!  If I get cancer it will probably be from my shitty diet or drinking too much alcohol…but let’s hope I don’t drink too much booze because I’m really controlling it by refusing to have any booze in my house.  The reason I drink booze is because I hate the society I live in, and I’m not ashamed of my hate anyways…and won’t allow myself to be intimidated into pretending that. I’m sorry for being hateful, and all that BS.  My city is full of crotchety old White people who forgot how they made their fortunes in the first place.  They just want to be left alone to die in their houses and have their city become some non White cesspool of obnoxious delusional, bumptious and insolent Black people, Chinese people who don’t speak English and refuse to do business with anyone who isn’t Chinese, and hoards of South Asian youth who plan to take over Canada and make it a part of India.  Welcome to Toronto!

Dec 10

So today I went to the gym today.  I am often so pleased with myself for having gone for my half hour of cardio.  I am really looking forward to losing my belly and chest fat and being more sexier to guys.

My diet is shit right now.  Can’t really do much about that bc it’s more important to me right now to not be working in a job I don’t care about, grumbling about not making enough money.  So I’ve become self employed with no grants or start up money.  If you want to donate, do it, but I doubt I’ll be able to handle the stress of the responsibility.  Or maybe not.

When I got home from the gym, before getting into my apartment I stopped by the garbage chute to throw out my can of Brisk, and jumped back when I saw there was a person crouched on the floor in the small room infont of the chute.  It was this homeless lady that I’ve seen hanging around my neighbourhood for a while.  I didn’t want to upset her, so I didn’t act aggressive or angry or anything like that.  She wanted to make small talk about recycling, so I went along with it.  I felt bad for her that she wa sleeping there, and I wanted to invite her to my apartment to sleep, but I was reminded of my weed addicted ex fiancé who illegally entered into my country because of our lax weed laws and then couldn’t get a job and ended up living with some East Asian guy.  I’m trying to avoid calling him homeless, bc he did have a home when I met him, he just wasn’t allowed to stay there in the daytime.  

I felt sorry for him so I let him live with me, but he was abusive and wouldn’t let me turn off the lights at night to sleep.  Pretty weird, and I put up with it.  I don’t know why he was trying to sleep deprive me.  I guess he was trying to make me go crazy or something so he could steal my money.  I feel bad talking about him so I’ll stop.

Dec 9

So today was my bday party at my parents’ house.  They are in their 70s and I’m maybe so proud that my Mom was still able to cook for me.  Why can’t I cook? Hmm. Well I guess it’s because I’ve lived in poverty for the past 5 years at least.

Saw my sister and her husband.  Pleased they came over.  Nice to see her baby and her young daughter.  I’ll call her daughter Ella.  Ella is a whirlwind.  She’s also kind of very egocentric.  I guess it’s her age.  She’s not even 4 yet.

There’s some show on TV right now about Montreal.  I guess I shouldn’t be shocked because I live in Canada, but it’s on TVO.  Montreal is in Quebec.  I guess this is some sort of show to do with TVO’s relationship with the federal government.

im not going to Montreal because I don’t know French.  I don’t see the point of going to a foreign place if you don’t know the language.  Like, maybe I can understand it if you go with someone or some other people who speak the same language as you – but what about Inidgo Traveller on YouTube?  He goes everywhere in the world and doesn’t know the language.  Isn’t that dangerous?  Meh…he looks rough enough to be able to handle it.  I wouldn’t.

just read today that South Africa will definitely be taking away the farms from White farmers there.  Some of the White people there want to create their own country, but I don’t believe that it would be able to successfully defend itself against the racist Black South Africans.

im so sick and tired of a Black people talking about racism.  I live in a Toronto, and since I was in Grade 2 (1992), I was taught by Authority to not be racist against Black people.  What happened?  I wa bullied in grade 4 by some fat Jamaican guy, and bullied in grade 8,9,10, and maybe 11 by another Jamaican guy.

from an early age I grew up with an aggressive, authoritarian mother.  I lived under fear of her disowning me and giving me up for foster care if I ever stood up for myself against a bully.  Because of that my social life suffered greatly, but now my mom is too old for me to be cruel to her because of this.

im kind of bitter and resentful of French speaking people in Toronto.

anyways, I’ll leave it at that for today!

Dec 8

So today was my Bday!  I’m sadly 35 years old.  I’m fat and have bags under my eyes. I hope to lose the weight by doing 30 mins of cardio 6 days a week, and lose th bags from getting donations to buy that under eye cream that works so well.  I’ve been watching Chills on YouTube.  I don’t know why that scary stuff interests me- it didn’t used to.  It used to make me very very scared, but now I don’t get flustered – except excluding anything to do with ghosts or poltergeists.  I think of believe that I have some sort of spirit or spirits in my apartment that will become poltergeisty if I swear or express any anger in my house.  It’s funny – I brought out my little statue of Woden and placed it on my end table beside my spider plant – and the spider plant has grown two new vertical fronds!  I’m so happy I’m praying every day.  I went for months or maybe even years without praying.  I’m selling energy Healing now (my iPad wants to capitalize the h in healing), so I should start doing pranayama and chakra meditation on a daily basis.

Dec 5

So I’ve gotten a reply to an Energy Healing ad I posted on Kijiji.  I’m happy about that.  I wrote back asking why the woman was interested and am awaiting a response.  Went to the library today and it took the usual amount of time to find a book.  I don’t understand why there are so many mystery books.  Are THAT MANY people into death and dying?  Like all mystery books are cantered around a murder or murders of some sort.  I used to be keen on reading Agatha Christie, however now I would need data on my phone to be able to access an online dictionary so I could decipher Christie’s Old English.

It hasn’t snowed that much here.  I kind of like the snow when I’m marketing on my corner because it may make me appear mysterious and haunting (in a good way).

So thankfully I went out to do some marketing work today.  Got my YouTube video done and my poem.  Went to buy some groceries, and noticed baby carrots were not even $2 for a bag.  Looking forward to buying them regularly in the future.