Jan 23 ‘19

Meh. Sitting on my couch…it’s 5:02pm. Wrote my poem – still have this and my Vlog and my porn to do.

Felt drained on my bus ride home today. I think it might have had something to do with the small croissants I had while waiting for the bus. They probably had too much sugar in them. Meh. I figured they’d be better than a small bag of chips.

Was very wet in T.O today. Slush everywhere! I was kinda glad that it wasn’t – 15C…

Jan 22 ‘19

So I just finished eating a yummy plate of nachos with melted cheese. They were ‘infused’ with pepper and oregano. On top I laid 3 fried eggs. Had it all with a bowl of salsa. PRETTY GOOD!

Put up my biz cards today as usual. I guess that’s part of my ‘work’ that I do. It is. No one should contest that.

Bought a blueberry pie today to have with my coffee while doing my other ‘work’: Blog, poem, Vlog. I decided to have the nachos instead – cuz when I was making the coffee, I was hungry so had some leftover peas and cucumber salad dressing to eat. Then I thought it would be disgusting to eat a sweet pie after having eaten something so savoury.

Jan 21 ‘19

Yeah…So I sit here listening to ‘Exposure’ from Current Value. CV is amazing, you should go check him out!!!

Eating peanut butter on toast. I learned today that people of my weight (130lbs) should eat about 40-50 grams of protein a day. My peanut butter has 4 grams of protein per tablespoon. I don’t think I’ll be getting enough protein.

Went to the gym today. I’m not going to say ‘as usual’ because I don’t really want to go to the gym. It is always a struggle to go – but now a days it’s a small struggle compared to before.

I don’t understand how small young men can be. They are so scrawny. I guess they go to the gym because it’s something social to do – for them. I go because I’m serious about losing weight. I don’t want any issues from socializing. There was this beefcake on the elliptical beside me today who was all business about his workout. He was DRENCHED in sweat – like the whole back of his T-shirt was soaked. I was worried he might have a heart attack – but I respected him and his choice and just focused on my workout.

The gym places this awful show on the TV almost every time I go there. It’s of these couples who either renovate their house or are looking for a new one. This is kind of like a slap in the face for me. I envisioned that I would be making enough money as a massage therapist by 26 to buy my Dad a new driveway. Then I realized I had to do a whole bunch of marketing I had no clue how to do. Then I just gave up.

Now – years later I’m doing the marketing. Living on the edge. Going to the food bank. Trying not to drink ANY booze.

I tell ya – the people in Toronto are such ASSHOLE. Like, I can’t even stand on a good street corner and give out my biz cards without having a shot of whiskey beforehand.

It’s almost impossible not to go door-to-door trying to sell a product or service without being intoxicated.


Especially the people in their godforesaken houses. The way they glare at you. Their sarcasm. Their condescension. Their patronizing. The rejection.

You wonder how these assholes got the f*cking money in the first place to afford their mortgages. It’s probably just all shit money. Like inherited. Or their home ownership is temporary because their job is temporary – because they are a subordinate under some type of corrupt superior.

Thank God I’m self employed now.

Jan 20th ‘19

I’ve been having trouble uploading my porn to XTube. I facking tried to upload THREE videos in the past 24 hours. Finally the last one worked! There was some issue with uploading my ID to the thingamajig Amateurs like me upload. I finally got it sorted out. On the last try I was afraid that my IPad would fack up on me with the ID thing, but all I had to do was move the IPAD to portrait view and then the ‘add’ button became visible for uploading the FACKING ID.

I dunno wth they need ID for…I guess it’s to prevent serial killers from committing crimes or evading capture. I don’t know why serial killers like to prey on horny people…it’s kinda unfair. Like – all we are doing is having FUN. We might not have had PERFECT upbringings like you, so maybe one of our only ideas of FUN is to have sex.


Jan 19 ‘19

So I’ve just had a looooong conversation with an old friend of mine. His name is “Bob”. He’s always been pretty nice and chill. He found me on Doublelist where I was posting for you-know-what.

I’m not a very forthcoming person. I would have preferred to have simply worked on my Blog, YouTube video, poem, and porn earlier…but whatever. Talking with him probably charged and healed my 4A Chakra anyways. So, I’m grateful.

It’s snowed a lot today in Toronto. I got all snowy on my coat outside. I didn’t really care because I was working on getting my biz cards up outside in prominent places.

Jan 18th ‘19

So yeah….sittin’ on THAT couch again.

Feelings pretty groovy cuz went to the gym. I don’t understand why younger guys go. I’m 35 and have a belly. The reason I go is to become slimmer. I hope they are only going because they are following their Inner Intent. To me, that would be acceptable.

I saw my old YouTube account today. I think it scared me to see one of my old comments on a video.

Life can be pretty fucked up. Like, the reason I don’t have that account anymore is because I forgot the password. It was 5 years ago I wrote the comment. I had a pretty good picture of me going on there. <<<<<I’m trying to remember where I was 5 years ago, in which house I lived>>>>>. My mind is probably blocking the memory out for me to shield me from the pain I experienced having to walk 2 hours to get to work.

I think I was living at the house on Baycrest Ave. I had my computer set up here and everything – not like on Jane St. When I moved to Jane, I was shocked with the people who moved into the apartment after me. I assumed they would steal my computer or something – so I never set it up. Also, there wasn’t much room in the room itself that I rented. I had an end table with a glass tabletop on it. I think I was being too polite not setting up the computer, but I envisioned myself listening to loud music and then getting in trouble with the flatmates.

I watche that movie ‘The Florida Project’, and was happy to learn the main character comes from Lithuania. Hopefully she’s Pagan of sorts. I support Paganism, and Lithuania was one of the last countries in Europe to be Christianized.

One thing I didn’t like about her was that she smoked. I find smoking dirty. I don’t understand how smokers can afford their habit. Most drink booze too. It would get expensive. Anyways, I don’t want to be influenced to take up smoking.