Dec 3

So today is Dec 3rd, a Monday.  I killed two baby cockroaches in my apartment today.  I don’t know where they’re coming from!  They’re so disgusting!  I’m going to search on google and try to find some type of home remedy that I can use – like place it in several places to attract and kill the cockroaches.  I assume that all of Toronto’s apartment buildings have cockroaches.  I did rent a room in one on Don Mills that I can’t remember any cockroaches – which is strange.  Maybe the owner of the unit was anal about them and already made some sort of home remedy to kill them all.  That man was a bastard.  So pathetic.  I’m pretty sure he gambled a lot of money and that’s why he had to rent out his bedroom to someone new.  He then moved into what was the dining room and made some kind of makeshift bedroom in it.  That’s when I stopped using the living room – because the living room was directly attached to the dining room and there wouldn’t have been any privacy.  I have a really good memory of giving head to some hot dude on the balcony, before the shit landlord moved into the dining room.  He was so disgusting.  He used to shower with old spice and it stank up the bathroom afterwards.  When I told him I was moving out, he freaked out and I think told me to leave in 3 days or something stupid like that.  I remember he sent me a slew of nasty text messages around that time, and that’s when I became scared of texting.

Anyways, I’m pleased with myself for going to the gym tonight.  I almost didn’t go because I was having bad feelings about this manager at my work.  I was scared she found my YouTube channel.  The reason for that is because YouTube usernames now automatically become gmail usernames.  So I’ve had to make a whole new email account for DECENT stuff.  I’ve checked the last two sent messsges I sent her and the all come up under my proper name – so I shouldn’t be worried.  I’m so looking forward to losing my belly – I’ll look sexier and have better chances of attracting guys for – you know.

its my bday in 5 days and my mom is hosting a dinner for me at her house.  I’d rather her and dad just meet me at the swanky sports bar near my house, however sometimes when I drink around them they end up pissing me off – and I don’t want to have any more fallings out with them.  They are in their 70s.

 

Dec 1 st

So I went out to sell today.  It was successful in the fact that I only drank one ounce of whisky before selling and I didn’t drink anything before I left for home.  I’m kinda annoyed that it’s just going to get colder and colder here in T.O, but there’s nothing I can do about it  other than wearing warmer clothes.  It’s my birthday in about a week and my parents agreed to make a dinner for me.  My sister and her kids might show up too.  I don’t want to ask because I don’t want to seem like a pedophile.  For some reason I have this belief that my family thinks I would be a pedophile around their kids because I’m gay.  I really don’t understand why the media or people associate homosexuality with pedophilia.  It’s strange.

Thank God I had a thought of buying carrots today.  I’ve been worried about my eyesight, since I have to wear glasses.  I used to buy baby carrots and take them to the library with me.  I used to eat very healthy (except for not getting enough leafy greens for a while) by taking cheese sticks, and custom mixed nuts, dates, and carrots with me during the day.  I’m looking forward to restarting that habit, but I’m worried about the cost off the nuts.  DONATE.

Nov 30

So today I did my selling.  I’m in direct marketing of my own business.  It’s a lot of ‘no’s’.  Oh well.  That’s normal for cold calls and dm.  Drank too much booze today – 1 half pint and two ounces of whisky.  I feel bad about the whisky.  Thinking back to today, I had my first ounce because I was having bad thoughts about potential customers.  You know, like ‘these people are shit’, ‘people suck’, and so on.  How could you not have thoughts like this about people who most likely will reject you?  I’m so happy that I’m working for myself.  I can’t stand having a boss.  Thankfully my last two bosses were chill, but things have changed at the restaurant I was working at and the chef de cuisine may be fired for not ensuring one of the staff turn off a heat lamp that caused a small fire.  If I was looking for a new job being paid working under someone else, I’d have to make a resume.  I don’t have a prep cook resume.  I don’t want to make one because I don’t know who will be my next boss – and anyway looking for a new job can be bad with all the rejection etc…Well, working in a kitchen, getting a job in one is easier than getting a job doing customer service.  The customer service jobs are all crappy and you have to apply to some fucking temp agency and undergo the humiliation of being interviewed by some deranged power-hungry young woman…you need to get a fn book on interviewing and practice interview questions and answers like some lame-o.

 

 

Nov 30

So went to the gym this morning!  I’m proud of myself, even though it’s no big deal because I should be going 6 days a week.  I guess every day I do go is a milestone or some type of achievement because if I stop going I may become a fat blob and not go for a week.  I really hope that doesn’t happen, because I should take one day off every week from going.

Nov.28

I’ve had a fucking awful day.  Well – not really.  I stood on my corner to market.  At least that is a success!  My failure today was I had too many beers: one pint before talking the bus into town, and several half pints once I got into the neighbourhood I was working at.  Now I have a library book so I can pass the time on the bus without being distracted by all the people I hate.  If I don’t have a book, I drink beer before I get on or I take a coffee with me.  I guess today I didn’t think of taking a coffee instead of a beer because I’m not brewing my own coffee at home.  It’s some sort of fine grind called Magdella D’oro or something like that.  When things used to be better for me, I would brew it.  Now things are getting better – I just have to avoid getting into tipsy fights.

 

Nov 27

So it was an eventful day.  When I woke up I actually thought I’d be in bed the whole day – but thankfully no.  I watched some interesting show on TVO about that new skyscraper in London called ‘The Shard’.  I suppose that’s an apt name for it, given the fact it is probably now full of steely office women who are quick to take offence to anything, as well as the disgusting power hungry ones that reside over hiring: looking over resumes and doing interviews.

I forced myself to go to the gym this morning – which was a good idea.  I was thinking to go out and market first thing in the morning, then go to the gym in the evening – but that wasn’t working out the past 7 days.  Tomorrow I will get up at 7am and head early to the gym.  I intend to do 30 mins of cardio 6 days a week until I lose my chest and body fat.  The chest and body fat were gained from months of whisky addiction, plus taking some awful prescribed psychotropic drug that had a weight gain side effect.  I can’t believe I wasn’t going to the gym for months.  I moved to a new apartment in the Spring, and until i think late August I would spend my time off of work just lying in bed watching Netflix and YouTube.  At least during that time I wasn’t drinking any alcohol.  I started drinking alcohol again because I was working with two abusive young bastards at my work.  It wasn’t so bad – because I would have a comeback for everything they said, but I guess after a shift I felt sorry for myself and to get rid of that feeling I would go for a pint.  You may think that a pint isn’t a lot, but if you were making as little as I was (just over min wage) you would worry about how much you’re spending too!  Now it’s November and I’ve only had one day of work in the past two weeks.  I’m looking to market massage (I’m an unlicensed massage therapist), Energy Healing, and some sexual favours (to certain men).  I’ve never been with a woman (it was my choice), but I wouldn’t say no to the right one now, if she came along.  My belly is my bane.  I’m really looking forward to shrinking it.  I could do some ‘hip twists’ from Kundalini Yoga, but I may be scared that it will cause me to feel too stressed out afterwards.  I guess I’m just content with laying in my bed.  If I intend to get another Prep Cook job, I need a resume.  I really don’t want to be a Prep Cook again, because I have more passion for sex, massage, and Energy Healing.  I don’t think I could care less about customers in a restaurant.  They’re probably just these Cis-gendered bimbos who get anything they want and are having drinks at the restaurant for god-knows-what.  Anyway, I don’t want to hate on Cis people.  While I was working I got enthralled with Conservativr politics, and the Conservatives seem pretty disapproving of the ‘more than two genders’ thing.  When I was working as a Dishwasher at a restaurant for 4 years, my off time I spent meditating (I might have done some Hatha yoga too).  At that time I say I was in a very spiritual sense of being – not because I was a Dishwasher (I now would hate to do that job and would adamantly refuse to do it), but I guess because I had reached a stage of spiritual enlightenment.  At that point I had this opinion that gender was an illusion.  How profound is that?! LOL.  Also during that time I would Go to this woodland very close to my house and pull the Black Swallowwort and meditate.  At that time I was so limber.  Now I am fat and when I went last to the same wood, i had to put more effort into getting around brambles and things.  I used to have *real* feelings before the psychotropic drug/ whisky.  Now my feelings are all kind of weak and muddled.  I used to get stressed or anxious about things and have to meditate to feel better.  Now I don’t seem to get stressed or anxious about anything – just concerned.  I miss those *real* feelings.  I hope they come back.