Jan 2nd

So i sit in my caffeine and alcohol induced state. On my couch given to me by this Black lecher who just wants to fuck me (but I don’t let him because he is too fat. Seriously – lose some weight. I go to the gym for an hour every day to lose weight. He should at least go for a 30 mins 6 days a week to do cardio). I don’t know where he got the balls to come on to me so often. Whenever he sees me, he tries to come on to me. I think it’s the drugs. When I first went to his house – because I was being nice – he asked me if I wanted some cocaine. I am anti-drug. Even alcohol – although I am addicted to that. Like, people who have sex with other people should maintain their appearance by going to the gym, having proper plastic surgery, or doing other proper cosmetic things to maintain their appearance. Enough said about that.

For some reason I wanted to cry today. In the beginning of the day, it was because I hadn’t left my house early enough to do marketing for my business. Then, later in the day it became my unhappy feelings over the South Asian invasion and dominance my Western city is undergoing. I then thought it could be because I was undergoing alcohol withdrawal, because I hadn’t drank anything yesterday. I’ve sadly failed today and had 3 pints of beer. I was supposed to have none. I’m not going to be seen crying in public no matter what, because then people will think that I have some ‘chemical imbalance’ and push me to take some ‘meds’ to correct the ‘imbalance’. Just so you know – the whole chemical imbalance theory was debunked after 2000, and those ‘meds’ can do more harm than good. So I just stay inside when I feel like crying. Because my government is allowing my country to become infected with foreigners.

Jan 1st 2019

So i’m siting at home in the afternoon. It is New Year’s Day and I’ve already been out and about putting up my business cards in bus shelters. I know that may seem like a pretty crappy way to market a business – but I don’t have any capital to fund my marketing. All I have in my chequing account is $800, and I need that to live of for the next month.

So I didn’t do as much putting up biz cards that I wanted, but now that I’ve learned my balance in my account is so low, I must limit activities that trigger me to drink – such as doing stressful things like more work than I would like to do.

I am very unhappy with the amount of South Asian young men in my city. It is disgusting. Like, the only thing good about them is that they are sexy, but minus that they are annoying and irritating and I just want them to leave. They hang around in their weird groups everywhere. 2 people here, 2 people there – like WTF are they doing? They even fucking congregate at my gym. Like yesterday there was a pod of 3 of them near me.

Anyways, I am happy I ate my carrots today. I guess that drinking less booze is going to have a positive effect of decreasing greatly the risk of me committing some stupid crime because I am intoxicated – mainly attacking the South Asians because they have invaded Scarborough to such an extent, and plus there are those annoying ones who talk on their cellphones on the bus constantly in their Indian language, or the greatly irritating one at the gym (on another day) who talked CONSTANTLY in his Indian language to the guy beside him.

Dec 31

So it’s NYE and I’m staying inside my apartment, alone. I have only a Bachelor apartment (that I thankfully don’t have to share with anyone else). I think if I shared my apartment with anyone else, I’d probably start drinking whisky at home again (and then get addicted to it again) – so I am VERY grateful that I live alone (remembering my addiction time when I was almost always intoxicated when I was out and about in society – not a good memory!). I could have my friend Bob over, but we would probably end up drinking in my apartment, and I dont allow booze in my apartment. Anyways, in my opinion, he is an alcoholic, so I am trying to wean himself off of alcohol in my own way.

Went to the gym tonight. I don’t think I went yesterday. My diet is so devoid of brain enhancing things. At least I’ve bought some canned peas and corn. Before I moved to the shit place I used to live at before I moved to my current place, I would have a bowl of canned vegetables with creamy salad dressing every day. I am so proud of myself, thinking back to that time. Vegetables are quite healthy, and so to have a bowl of vegetables every day is a pretty good feat. So, when I moved to the shit place on Jane Street, I kinda let myself be brainwashed by this East Asian lady who owned the apartment in which I rented. She kinda freaked out when she saw me about to eat the whole bowl of peas. I guess at that time I let her brainwash me into stopping eating them because I was so inebriated on whisky and wine all the time there. The reason for that, was because she was kind of deceptive. The way she was deceptive, was she didn’t tell me that she was going to rent the rest of the apartment to Sudanese people. It was a 2 bedroom apartment, and the living room was also converted to two additional bedrooms. When I first moved in there, I thought the living room was her bedroom, and not 2 bedrooms. So what happened was when the Sudanese people moved in, I couldn’t handle it. I’m a natural Introvert anyway. For some reason I thought that I had to socialize with these people that moved in, and for an introvert, one of the ways to be able to stand social interactions they dont want to have is to drink. The Sudanese people were awful because they spoke their language which I didn’t understand, and also they were Black and Black people tend to have dirty 6 A/B Chakras and Celestial Bodies that are irritating to people like me who have Higher Sense Perception. And what made the whole situation even worse was that the “Man of the House” invited his wife to move in with him – so then we had a total of 5 people living in this two bedroom apartment. The wife was a Bitch anyways. I’m gay, and I don’t understand heterosexual relationships. I was also scared to “come out” to Bihar (the “man of the house”), because in Sudan, I think homosexuality is punished with death. I could have not even talked about women with him, but then when he asked me about women, I didn’t know what to say. I was kind of unhappy that he would have asked me anyways. So what I said was that “I have sex with women” and that was it. I think it made him freak out and leave the apartment and pull the fire alarm, because he did leave the apartment after I said that and the alarm did go off. I really don’t have tender feelings towards women, and I have never dated a women, so what could I have said? I wouldn’t have LIED. Anyways, this woman was a Bitch, probably because Bihar told her what I said, and she either a) become scared of me because she thought I would rape her, or b) became resentful of me because I didn’t have sex with her. In the end, before I left that apartment and moved to my current apartment, we weren’t even talking to each other AT ALL.

So I feel kind of like a loser because I’m not going out to the bar to drink, but that is just a negative belief anyways, and it will be wise for me to save my money and not go and drink at the bar tonight. Plus not drinking will help me to biologically wean myself off of alcohol. In addition, there was a nasty man in the elevator tonight. He was holding a beer can and was very irritable, so there may be more nasty men around my building this evening that I should be wary of.

Dec 30

So I am using the keyboard my sister and parents bought me for Xmas. It feels nice to type ‘normal’ again.

I feel kind of fat because i just had a bowl of cereal. I’m meticulous about getting my vitamins, so i chose the cereal called ‘Just Right’, which seems to have the most vitamins and minerals of all the cereals at the supermarket. OMG…I really have missed typing on a keyboard!

Being so poor, I should use the library computers sometimes, however I feel such shame and embarrassment for using them. I didn’t used to. For 4 years I would go to the Toronto Reference Library several days a week and work on my analysis of Energy Healing. Involved in that was a lot of typing in Word. Sadly I lost all that work I did because the USB that had all the info on it was in a gross laptop bag I had that I threw out. When I moved to my new apartment in the Spring of last year, I began doing Hatha yoga, but the same morning I began doing that, I noticed that the same laptop bag was crawling with baby bedbugs. I’m sure they had come from the previous gross apartment I was living at near Jane and Steeles. That apartment wasn’t gross when I first moved in, but because I was taking a psychotropic drug, the drug made me dull and not really able to clean my apartment. It was very difficult for me to sweep the room I lived in, and also it made me terribly depressed to go to the basement and wash my laundry. When I first moved to that apartment, I had so much energy, I would go across the street to the laundromat there because I didn’t know there was a laundry room in the basement. I dont know if I ever liked that laundry room. I think before I was addicted to whisky and taking that stupid psychotropic prescribed drug, I probably had no problem going to that laundry room.

I am very much against taking psychotropic drugs. I grew up trusting and maybe having loving feelings towards the field of psychiatry – but when I first began taking psychotropic drugs, the side effects were worse for me than what I was taking them to treat. Beware of those people who just blindly believe in allopathic medicine, prescription drugs…I mean there are people out there who use the “mental health system” to control others out of spite.

So thankfully I know to never take any psychotropic prescription drug again – and even natural pills and remedies and stuff like that for the brain Ill be leery of.

Dec 29

Hi. I just read the shit that Jennifer Cheong Schneider made in her fucking blog. Disgusting. Anti White bullshit. She should be ashamed that she is half White and writing such crap.

Anyways, I’m sick and tired of the abusive I’ve had to suffer over the past 28 years in this shit city. It’s due to the abuse Black people have of their freedom of speech. They have destroyed my culture by talking shit about White people since the late 1980s – all that crap that Black people are cooler. They invented the racist word ‘whitewashed’, so I’ve invented the word ‘blackwashed’. I hate hip hop. Rap doesn’t exist anymore – just hip hop, and the lyrics of hip hop are all about smoking weed, committing crimes, and fucking women. It’s disgusting. I’m sick and tired of White people pretending to be Black by not enunciating their words. I don’t give a fuck if this outrages some Black people because your outrage means nothing to me and will never mean anything.

Dec 28

So I’m having coffee in the evening so I can write my Blog. As you may know I’m supposed to write my blog daily – but I haven’t been because I’ve been too tired from my unpaid marketing work for myself. At the moment I am taping my business card to the wall of bus shelters around the city. Up until dec 24 I was handing out my biz cards to the right looking people (my target market), but when I tried to do it on the 24th and only one person accepted my card, it made me too mad at people to do it until now. I’m still feeling a bit unhappy about that day, however once my energy healing biz cards will run out (I have more ordered on the way), I’ll hand out my massage biz cards. I’ve been thinking about writing ‘foot only’ massage on them. I think that’s fitting because it has been years since I practiced massage and the feet for me are a great place to start. That reminds me of my ex fiancé who had a foot fetish. He liked to suck on my feet while fucking me. I miss him – he was so handsome and sexy. But that’s really the most of what he was.

As a gay man, I thought of getting married when I was in my most serious relationship. It was with an Iraqi guy. He was super sexy and he also had brains. If we had stayed together, I don’t know if we would have been able to get married. We practiced different religions from each other. It also left a bad taste in my mouth that he wasn’t out to his family about my relationship to him. It kind of makes me feel like shit to think that all I would have been to his family was ‘some guy’ or his ‘flatmate’. I regret having broken it off with him. Maybe I’ll have another serious relationship in the future, but I don’t really see that for myself. I need to lose weigot – my belly is too fat, and I need to have been on a healthy diet for at least a year. I don’t understand people who don’t have standards of appearance when it comes to sex. Like, I don’t get how a young heterosexual woman can be with a guy who obviously needs plastic surgery on his face. I don’t think heterosexual women have the same viewpoint of male beauty that homosexual men have. Oh well. Different genders, different tastes.

Dec 23

Yay! So I went to the gym tonight for an hour. I feel amazing! My intent was to go for 30 mins, however I was thinking that maybe if I had gone for 30 mins I would have gone to the bar afterwards – and I really didn’t want to go to the bar. I was already feeling ashamed for having drank one extra .5 pint of booze before leaving my work area to go home…it was just that the guy to my left had such a crappy Relational Body. You know…with the Human Energy Field and those who can sense it, the Relational Body is called ‘The 4th Level’. His was all stinky and discoloured and irritating, so it made me want to drink more…and NO It would have not been a good idea to practice Energy Healing on him then, because it wasn’t the right place or situation. People go to bars to unwind, Energy healers included. And don’t even start with me saying that just because I’m an energy healer i shouldn’t drink at all. Yes, it would be ideal for me to not drink at all, but that’s unrealistic because of all the shit people on subway and bus on the way home. YES I am working on my 4th chakra to be able to be unconditionally accepting of everyone on the subway and bus…but it’s THE BUS! I wish I had my own car…but I need more clients and a steady clientele to be able to afford that.

At least I’m not a prep and fry cook anymore – cooking for people I absolutely hate and being regularly upset about my wage.

I’ve applied for EI in my country, and the government wanted to send me email updates of Cook jobs, and they sent me this list and on that list was one job that was $24 an hour, which is a pretty good wage working in a company if you ask me…and NO I wouldn’t like any of you FATASSES to harp up and tell me that you’re making more money than that at a firm and have been doing so for x long. I don’t give a shit. Like, yeah…I shouldn’t have taken that high paying sales job back years ago that derailed my massage therapy career and caused my ex boyfriend to cheat on me. Yes, I should have just kept with that crappy massage therapy job, learned how to make a residential mailing to market my practise…but I guess I was just tired of being so poor and I guess I was greedy. How was I to know that my boyfriend at the time was going to cheat on me, or pretend to cheat on me because my work hours conflicted with his hours and we never really saw each other? I say ‘pretend’ because the way I found out was he left a condom in the garbage in the bedroom, and we fucked bareback. I forgot what he said initially when I confronted him about it, but I remember after a while he said that it was a ploy to make me jealous and I guess to give him more attention by quitting my job.